I won’t be fulfilled if any of my kids doesn’t become author –Abdullahi, former Association of Nigerian Authors president

I won’t be fulfilled if any of my kids doesn’t become author –Abdullahi, former Association of Nigerian Authors president

Mallam Denja Abdullahi is a former President of the Association of Nigerian Authors and a director with the National Council for Arts and Culture. The author talks about parenting in this interview with ALEXANDER OKERE

Why did you decide to become a father?

I got married in 2005. After getting married, the expectation was to have children. It’s a normal expectation as an African and I am from Lokoja, Kogi State.

Do you think you got married early?

No, I didn’t. I got married at 32. It should have come earlier than that because there are advantages if you marry early. You would be able to grow with your children. It is good to marry early.

As a Muslim, did you consider marrying more than one wife?

As a Muslim, I can marry more than a wife legally. We are in an African society where a man can marry more than one (wife). Sticking to one woman was my choice. We all know the additional responsibilities that comes with additional wives. If you want to be financially, emotionally and morally responsible, it is not an easy task marrying more than one wife.

What makes a man a father?

It is not just about impregnating a woman and bringing having a child; it goes beyond that. It has to do with nurturing a child, providing for a child, giving the child emotional support, and caring and guiding the child to ensure they become responsible. That is what makes a man a father. Fatherhood goes beyond biology; it has to do with sociology – being responsible for a child, not necessarily your biological child. A man can be the father of a community, sacrificing his comfort for his children.

Did you witness the birth of your first child?

I think I was in Abuja and I was right there with my wife at the hospital. She had our first child by caesarean. I have two boys and two girls.

What are the values you teach your kids?

That is not consciously being done now in most families. We just live through the day. But I think we consciously pass religious values to them. We tell them to observe their religion. We try to teach them our local languages. However, children will definitely inherit some things from their parents whether those things are passed on to them consciously or unconsciously. When you look at them, you would see your reflections.

Would you consider yourself as an unfulfilled dad if your kids don’t learn the art of writing?

Yes, I think so. I think if I don’t teach them, I would feel unfulfilled. I will definitely want them to write the way I write or take interest. But I have filled my home with books; I have a study room with lots of books, so I have given them that environment. They see me reading and they write too but I have not gone out of my way to teach them (how to write books). I should have done that but they are coming up to imitate some of the things I do. For example, when I celebrated my 50th birthday, they came up to read some of my writings in public. I had to coach them on how to read to the public with confidence.

It is good to nurture your kids in your area of expertise. But you shouldn’t force them; they will end up discovering their own path. I have seen parents that consciously nurture their children towards their paths and their children are following beautifully. But not all parents do that.

Would you be disappointed if your kids don’t become authors?

No. I would not be disappointed.

What has fatherhood taught you?

Fatherhood helped me to cultivate the habit of saving. It also stopped me from being self-centred; it taught me to think about my children when taking decisions.

How do you discipline your children?

I don’t believe in sparing the rod in extreme cases. But I scold them when they misbehave.

How do you relax with your children when you are not at work?

I do role-playing with them. I also take them out.

Do you think that parents should influence the career choices of their children?

Parents can guide them, not really influence them. Parents in professional careers like law and medicine who have a chamber or a hospital respectively can have one of their kids take over from them and manage their businesses. There is a natural tendency towards that. That is what I mean by guiding them.

It is not advisable to force them to do what they don’t want to do. But if you show good examples of success in your area of life, your child will toe your path. The examples you show will make your child tread your path. When one of my children wanted a make a choice on the area he was interested in, I asked him what he wanted and he said he liked the arts. If I wanted to force him, I would have told him to go for the sciences. But I knew that he knew himself that his love was towards the arts. I saw that in his choice; he was trying to follow in my footsteps and I did not force him. Naturally, I would have loved him to explore the sciences since I am in the arts. But when he told me his choice, I said that I would not force him to do what he would struggle with. It is good to go into your natural area in order to succeed in life.

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